Disclaimer: My column is intended to be entirely satirical. It should not be taken seriously, and in no way should you actually implement any of my advice in real life. Smile, people.
IslesTwitter. From the outside, it seems like it’d be a nice place for Islanders fans to discuss what’s happening in #Isles world. From the outside, Isles fans “like” other Isles fans and we all bond over our shared hatred for the Rangers and the Penguins. From the outside, we all agree Potvin’s hit was clean and that Nassau Coliseum will forever be the best place to watch a game, whether or not we’re getting leaked on.
But on the inside, my friends, IslesTwitter is a community of (somewhat) organized chaos. Sure, Isles fans discuss what’s happening in Isles world, but our tweets are usually dripping with disdain or impending doom. Sure, Isles fans “like” other Isles fans, unless the other Isles fans are trolling us or fervently disagreeing with our opinion about who should start in goal. And sure, we all dislike the Rangers and the Penguins, but sometimes we allow our negativity towards a 2 or 3-game losing skid surpass the feelings that unite us.
So, in order to keep IslesTwitter the hot mess that we all know and love so much, I’ve compiled a list of “Do’s and Don’ts” that you should take into account as you tweet in 2015:
DO DVR the games and post games. Between Butch, Jiggs, Howie, Stan and Shannon…the broadcast is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’ll get to gif!
DON’T spend your (er, your parents’) hard-earned money buying followers. Everyone knows money doesn’t buy exactly 1,000 friends. How dumb do y’all think we are? You spend your entire day tweeting about your every thought and feeling, and you think we believe 1,000 individual accounts discovered you overnight and subscribed to your word vomit? No, we do not.
DO tweet out your overwhelmingly unpopular opinions about starting lineups, goaltender starts, and when to call timeouts. Shout them from the top of a mountain. Funny enough, I originally had this as a “DON’T”, but hey, Dan Friedman does this nightly and the kid has 5,000 followers, so who am I to comment?
DON’T engage Rangers fans any more than is absolutely necessary. Between you and I, we both know their time would be better served if they got off the internet, hopped into their chauffeured cars, and headed to the Garden so that it’s not quiet enough to hear a pin drop during a “classic rivalry game” ahem.
DO make life decisions based off of Staple’s twitter account. He says, “jump!” and you say, “how high”, he says “Strait’s in” and you say, “can’t wait!”.
DON’T troll Arthur Staple, while we’re on that topic. If you think of IslesTwitter as a microcosmic ancient Kingdom as I tend to do, Staple would be the equivalent of our fearless leader. He’s unofficially the King of our cluster of a fan base, so don’t be surprised if you’re excommunicated from the Kingdom that is IslesTwitter for getting your kicks by trolling the guy.
…and now for just a few more DON’Ts because, let’s face it, there really aren’t THAT many DO’s when it comes to social media.
DON’T promo your blog’s merchandise non-stop. We know you made a t-shirt. We know it happens to be incredibly soft, and oh by the way, very topical. We also see you’ve gotten some prominent people to model the shirts, and – er, I mean, can you stop promoting your merch for like, five seconds? Gosh. (Pick up our super soft, topical, and popular Yes! Yes! Yes! t-shirts here:http://bit.ly/1si0mTP).
DON’T steal somebody’s pun and tweet it out as your own. I– er, I mean, they, will find it and block you and hate you forever and ever. Get your own material, people.
DON’T follow people you can’t stand. I realize how obvious this sounds, but for some unfathomable reason, y’all love following people just to let them know how much you hate everything they say. Uh. See that little blue button that turns red and says “unfollow” when you hover over it on my profile page? It’s all yours for the using, my friend.
DON’T blame every broken-up pass, every penalty taken, and every goal against, on Jack Capuano. We have 59 points in January, and sometimes I feel as though someone’s about to make a #FireJackCapuano twitter page, raise a bunch of money, rent a plane, and fly a ridiculous banner over Iceworks. Whoa—I just realized how absurd that’d be for someone to actually do, nevermind.
So that’s it for now…a very condensed version of all the things y’all do to grind my gears every time I refresh my twitter feed. Take ‘em into account as you tweet this year. Or don’t.
…Tweet away, #IslesTwitter, tweet away.